There was another “vision” given to me. I say “vision” in quotation marks, as I don’t know what else to call it. Please know that I’m not trying to paint myself as some kind of prophet – these visions have to do with my family and myself, I’ve never seen, felt or experienced any other visions for anything or anybody else. But maybe it’s too soon to proclaim myself NOT a prophet – we’ll see what happens in the future. I think the Holy Spirit uses these visions as I am – what we call; a “picture person” – meaning that I picture things in my mind. So if you tell me a joke, I will probably be laughing harder than I should because I see it in my mind’s eye. Also disgusting things. Don’t tell me – because I will be picturing it in my mind and probably get quite nauseous.
Well, let me tell you about this – or I should rather say these visions, as there was more than one that happened on consecutive days and/or weeks, but they tie up into one:
For weeks I see myself walking through the sands. Sometimes the wind blows the sands into my eyes, stinging my face. Sometimes all is quiet. And sometimes the sun is mercilessly beating down. (There is emotional turmoil going on in real life around these events, as you can imagine) Then one day I look up and see a cross hanging in the sky. It is not quite on my path, so I have to make adjustments in my course. This cross is bright. Very, very – blindingly bright. I trudge on through the sand…so tired…so tired… Days later I reach the cross. It is so bright that I cannot see anything beyond it. I see and feel myself falling on by knees and grabbing hold of the cross, wrapping my arms around it. And I hold on so tightly. Here I am for days, perhaps weeks, I’m not even sure. I get so very tired of just holding on, several times I strongly consider letting go and once or twice I start to let go, but then encourage myself to grip that cross. Then one day something moves to my right, I turn my head to see a person – a being, like a man, coming down from the sky. He is bright, but his brightness is of another kind, a soft light shining, shimmering, even sparkling… but oh so very bright. So bright that I cannot really distinguish features. Just an impression of a face. An impression of a smile. An impression of a hand reaching out to me as he comes closer. An impression of him standing on yet not touching the sand. The hand reaches out to me. Is this an angel? Is this a demon disguised as an angel of light? I can’t say for sure, but I think it is Jesus. (I know this sounds melodramatic – like really, Jesus appearing to me? Come on!) He turns his head to look over his shoulder to the horizon. Far off the course I had been taking through this barren landscape he looks. I’m still holding on to the cross, and I strain to look around it to where he is looking. My eyes struggle to adjust, but I can see in the distance on the horizon is a silhouette… a silhouette of… what is that? Could that be…? Is that… is that a….city? A city in the distance? A city? I look to the man, now so close that he can take my hand. He takes my hand. I still don’t know if this is a demon dressed as an angel of light – I don’t want to let go of the cross, I’m safe here. But he pulls my hand. He does not speak, but I know he is saying that it’s all right, that I can let go of this place now. I don’t speak but I’m saying that I don’t trust…. He reminds me that I am supposed to submit. I take his hand, still distrusting, still holding to that cross with my other hand.
“Come, you don’t need that symbol anymore. You just need me,” Jesus says (now I know this is – in fact, Him). He pulls me to my feet, pulling me forward in the direction of the city on the distant horizon. “Now is the time to go forward.” And He holds my hand as we take the first few steps toward that city that lies so very far away and so very far off the path I had been taking.
During the time when I was seeing these events, there were some “real” events taking place. Once I knew that we would not have food to eat the next week – sands blowing in my face. Then somehow it just all worked out, I can’t explain it, but somehow we did after all have food to eat. Then I knew that I needed to pay my little daughter’s gymnastic fees (I hadn’t the heart to make her stop) but I didn’t know where I would get it from (sun beating down) and someone gave me the exact amount. While I was gripping the cross, the bank deducted our mortgage twice from my husband’s bank account and I very nearly totally let go of that cross. Several other things happened as well – some a little bad, some really very bad, which I’m not going to detail here, but every time something else just happened at the right moment – something was sold, a payment came through, an order came in, someone helped us….every time, just in time.
Then when the being, whom I just know in my heart really is Jesus, came to me, my husband heard of a position at another company. He had previously interviewed with that company for a totally different position which they still hadn’t filled. By the time Jesus had convinced me to let go of that cross, my husband had been contacted back by that company and they were very eager to have him join them, he didn’t even have another interview. The company he is with at the moment on a contract, tried to quickly organise to somehow keep him there, bureaucracy being what it is, they were unable to, but made him promise that he would consider any offers they sent him in the next few months. The silhouette of the city is so very far off on the horizon – my husband will have to go work in Cape Town (that’s like the total opposite end of South Africa from Pretoria if you don’t know South African geography). Worst case scenario is that he will work there from now until December, flying home once a month and then the girls and I will pack up and move down there as well. Best case? The company that’s so eager to keep him now offers him a fantastic job before December. Not bad for a “worst case” right? Praise Jesus! Money is still going to be tight. He’ll have to pay rent and groceries down there wherever he stays, and we’ll still have to pay the mortgage and groceries, water etc etc up here at the same time. And if he’s going to be flying up and down each month – more strain on the budget. But you know what? We’ve been firmly held this far, I can only see God’s grace carrying us through the rest of this desert journey.